Why Crossovers Just Don't Work In Hellsing
by The Karnstein
Summary: Several short stories where Hellsing is mixed with another franchise and how it blows up before anything can even start up.


**Why Crossovers Just Don't Work In Hellsing**

CHAPTER ONE - TONY STARK

_"The truth is... I am Iron Man."_

His confession on live television sparked two major events in Tony Stark's life: everybody throughout the world with military experience and supernatural strength and power was going to be coming after him, and that revealing his identity to the world instead of hiding it away reinforced the notion of how much of a bad ass he really was.

While the latter succeeded in stroking his already overblown ego, the former opened up several cans of worms that he was not ready to deal with. After turning down the black cyclops who broke into his home on the night of his confession, he recieved a letter in the mail several weeks later from a Hellsing Organization. It took a moment to register the name before he realized that "Hellsing" was not just the misspelled name of some cult classic film starring an Australian actor, but the misspelled name of the character who people commonly confuse for being the character who killed Dracula in Bram Stoker's novel.

The letter and envelope both looked as though they were from a history museum. The text was written in ink, most likely with a quill or some very old pen, and the letter was sealed with red wax. Tony had just skimmed over most of the cursive writing until he found what he was looking for: an invitation to the Hellsing Organization to discuss the forming of a treaty or some sort of business negotiation. Under any other circumstances, the letter would have found it's way into the garbage. Despite the nice handwriting, "Sir Hellsing" was clearly pulling some kind of prank. Tony Stark then decided to pull a prank of his own.

His phone was in his hand and to his face within two seconds of finishing the letter. "Pepper, do you know where I can find some of that really old parchment and maybe some wax? Bring a candle down if you have to, I'm never gonna use those anyways."

Sometime later, Tony had sealed a letter of his own, addressed to the Hellsing Organization. He couldn't feel motivated enough to find a quill and instead used a sharpie to write back, in the neatest handwriting he could, _**"Does your organization come with ample bosomed vampire girls in mini-skirts? Also, have you ever heard of e-mail? - Tony Stark"**_

And then he sent it back.

In the back of his mind, Tony figured that he was just dealing with some crazy fan who was dying for any reason at all to be contacted by the great Tony Stark. So why not give the kid a thrill? But within the next few days, when Pepper had laid the mail out in his lab, he found yet another old-fashioned letter addressed to him.

_**Mr. Stark,**_

_**Our organization does not use e-mail for privacy's sake. **_

_**We have but one female vampire in our midst. A skirt is part of her required uniform and in all likeliness, you will find her bosom appealing.**_

_**If you are rejecting our offer, you need not respond to this message.**_

_**-A**_

"_A_, huh?" Tony muttered as he finished the very brief letter. "Funny, if he's as big of a nerd as I thought he was, wouldn't he have signed it _D?_ Even Coppola did that..."

After scanning over the letter a couple more times, Tony finally reached into his pocket and retrieved his cellphone. "Pepper, how do you feel about me, you and Happy taking a trip to London?"

So now here he was, in the misty, cold, miserable city of London where all the fine ladies had bad teeth and all the men reminded him of David Bowie. The private jet had landed about twenty minutes ago in the Hellsing Manor's private airport. So far Tony wasn't incredibly impressed: the manor gave him serious Croft or Wayne Manor vibes as oppose to his own estate, and all of the soldiers running about were not ample bosomed vampire girls in mini-skirts. But alas, it was still daylight and maybe they took the night shift.

Four men in black suits escorted he and Pepper into the manor. That was when the Croft Manor vibes really began to kick in, as the house resembled more of a museum than a home. Pepper and Happy were both at his side, Pepper carrying his brief case full of papers, contracts, among other important, boring shit where as Happy carried the briefcase with the more fun contents. The walk to the conference room was too quiet for Tony's comfort.

"I feel like you're gonna pull us over and cap us. Couldn't Sir Hellsing send that one vampire girl to show us the way instead of you guys?" he said, only to recieve a sharp nudge from Pepper.

"Don't start," she hissed, causing him to chuckle.

As expected, the suits didn't laugh. Tony noticed that they somewhat flinched when he mentioned the vampire girl, but that was the extent of it. They only time they spoke was when they made it to the conference room: a poorly lit spacious room with a large table and several chairs. Even then, Tony didn't pay much attention as it was something along the lines of "Sir Hellsing will be with your shortly," and Pepper saying something polite. As they left, Tony removed his sunglasses and slipped them into his coat pocket.

"Pepper, you don't need to be polite to the Brits. They're just going to make fun of you on their way out." he said, and could hear the slight growl in her throat as she replied.

"They are not!" she whined. "And will you behave yourself? When Sir Hellsing comes in here I don't want to have to apologize for you when you disrespect him in his own home!"

"I'm just saying, that's a typical British move. They kinda hate Americans. Try stepping into a bar in England and see how many stare at you. You can literally _feel_ their stare." was his quick response.

"No, _no_, they just stare at _you_, because you probably had some floozy all over you, or... you were drunk in the suit, or-"

"Drunk in the suit, now there's an idea. You'll have to write it down for my birthday next year."

"Oh please!"

By the time the three were situated in the room, that was when the door reopened. Tony lifted his head and saw three people step into the room: two men and one woman. Naturally, his eyes fell on the woman: she was shorter than the two men. Petite but toned, looked as though she probably could pin a grown man down and slap him around a bit. That showed potential. Also, the short little tomboy haircut she was sporting was a nice touch. He had a weakness for long hair ever since he picked up a book on Godiva, but that sporty look suited the lady well. Also, as promised, she had the mini-skirt and the boobs that were, as promised, quite appealing. Also, not too many ladies could pull off an all-yellow outfit but somehow it worked on this one.

"Okay," Tony said, nodding to her. "So you must be the vampire, right?"

That statement was enough to stop the girl in her tracks. She looked stunned for a second, as if someone had just ratted her out on a secret. Big blue eyes, now those were always a nice touch.

"Y-Yes... I am," and a cute little British accent. Usually a hit or miss with him, but it sure fit her well. "Hello!"

"I believe introductions are in order," Tony's attention was deterred from the cute little blonde to one of the men, who's voice interrupted many impure thoughts rushing through Tony's head. This man was tall, lanky, and old, though Tony had to give him some street cred for rocking that monicle the way he did. "The young lady you are addressing is Seras Victoria, our newest member of the Hellsing Organization."

Seras gave him a very awkward wave. Tony smiled back at her. "I can see why she made the cut."

He could hear Happy holding back laughter for the life of him, but why was it that without even looking at her, he knew that Pepper was rolling her eyes?

After an awkward silence, the old man spoke again. "I am Walter Dolnez, butler to the Hellsing Family and former vampire hunter-"

The old man could barely finish his sentence before Tony held back a burst of laughter. His hand moved over his mouth, then over his eyes. Were these people actually being serious? You would think this old fart of _all_ people wouldn't be buying into this live-action role playing bullshit. Walter was far from amused. His face hadn't been particularly welcoming when he stepped into the room and he most certainly wasn't thrilled with the notion of being laughed at by a young man a fraction of his age. Tony had finally regained his composure, Walter continued.

"And this is Sir Integra Hellsing."

Tony lifted his face from his hand to see the second man in the room. He was the only person of color, probably half Indian and half Caucasian unless he had dyed his unnecessarily long blonde hair. The large round glasses gave him away as the head nerd of the Organization and Tony Stark was half expecting a "Milord Anthony Stark" to come out of his mouth. For being such a rich young man, though, he looked kind of thin. That suit he was wearing wasn't a total loss but he was every bit as skinny as Gramps.

"Sir Hellsing, yes, you sent me the first letter." Tony said. "For the record, _Hellsing_ is spelt with one L and while Abraham knew more about vampires than anyone else in the book, it was Jonathan Harker and Quincey Morris who killed Dracula. You know, just F.Y.I., next time you want to write a convincing letter for me to join your LARP group."

Whoever this Sir Integra was, he didn't look particularly happy. After a moment, he and Walter moved to the table and sat down, opposite Tony, Pepper, and Happy. Tony took this opportunity to introduce his companions. "This is Pepper Potts, my assistant, maybe future CEO of the company someday," again, there was that vibe that she was rolling her eyes again. "And this is Happy. He drives the car."

Integra sighed, then finally spoke. "It is a pleasure to meet-"

"Good God, you're a woman."

There was silence. Both Pepper and Seras had covered their mouths. Happy, bug-eyed with his mouth wide open, kept exchanging glances between Tony and Integra. Integra and Walter both looked _painfully_ impatient while Tony maintained this expression of surprise and amusement.

"Not to be offensive but that's what you're going with, right? Sir Hellsing instead of Dame? Suits? Slight androgyny? Well at least that excuses the long hair..." Tony then leaned a bit closer. "Actually you do have excellent bone-structure. If I wasn't holding out for Miss Victoria over there, I'd say I'm having difficulty taking my eyes off of you."

"You are leaving." was Integra's response as she pointed to the door. "Immediately!"

Tony chuckled then stood up. "I thought you'd never ask, now we can head to another country, preferably one with dentists. Come on you two."

Of the three, Pepper was the fastest person out of the room. Happy lingered behind to ensure that nobody killed Tony as they exited. Tony took his time leaving and gave Seras a wink on the way out.

As they left the room, a shadowy creature emerged from the shadows. Integra turned her head towards the monster: a handsome, pale creature donning a red coat, and glared at him.

"Not a word, Alucard. Not one word."

A large smile split across his face. "You need only say the word if you want me to kill him for you."

Integra groaned and turned away. She opened the door and exited the room with Walter following after her. Seras on the other hand had stayed behind. "Master, that man just disrespected Sir Integra. Why didn't you do anything about it?"

Alucard chuckled, then returned to the shadows.

"I thought it was funny."


End file.
